I titled this “Sh*t that I hate: Part 1″ because I’m sure, like many of you, there is a lot more sh*t that I hate than sh*t that I love. I’ll try not to bombard ya’ll with it though, for fear of sounding like a black Andy Rooney or something.
This first installment takes me to the place where we all spend a lot of time: the bathroom. There is no room in the house that I feel should be more sacred than the bathroom.
When it comes to things that I hate about the bathroom, it’s really things that I hate about other people’s bathrooms and public bathrooms.
Toilet Tissue
I have a big problem with unrolling the toilet tissue roll from the bottom as opposed to the top. I dated this girl once who hipped me to it. This was several years ago, and up until that point I had been oblivious to it. I asked her to explain it to me and she instead led me to the bathroom and showed me the difference. I shrugged my shoulders and was like “ok”, but I started doing it. Now it is such a big deal to me, if I start seeing a girl and happen to be over her house, use the restroom, and see her toilet tissue unrolling from the bottom, she gets points deducted. It’s kind of crazy, but I think to myself “How can she not see the convenience of unrolling the tissue from the top as opposed to the bottom?” Think about when you stay in a hotel (and not the Econo Lodge). Do you see how they always have the toilet tissue unrolling from the top and folded in the triangle? Well that triangle looks cool, but it also illuminates the convenience of ROLLING FROM THE TOP! When I’m going to do #2 at the job, just about every time I go in the stall they have it unrolling from the bottom. It grates my nerves. But I cooly take the roll out of the dispenser and flip it around so that my #2 at work can be as pleasant as possible. If you never thought this deep into it, just try it on for size. Trust me, it’s the little things.
Women
Oh yeah, about taking a dump at work….A lot of women will have you believe that they ONLY take dumps at home and never do that at work. They also will have you believe they don’t fart during the day. Man, f*ck that. Women must have the strongest buttholes, because when I gotta go, I gotta go. I’m not about to sit there holding it, feeling uncomfortable, and mess around and get dysentery! As far as the farting thing, I gotta let er rip. I try to use my muscles to put a butt silencer on it (it doesn’t always work), but after I expel my gases, I feel much better. Of course that’s always the time when someone finds the opportunity to poke their head in my cubicle with a request. After enough times of getting hit in the nose with my funk sledgehammer, maybe they’ll think better to come to me with a request. 
Hand Towels (or lack thereof)
I hate it when I go over to a girl’s house, use the bathroom, wash my hands, and there isn’t a hand towel or paper towel (which I prefer) to be seen!! So to dry my hands, i have to unroll enough toilet tissue to dry my hands, which feels a little gross. (Unrolling the tissue from the top makes this a LOT easier). She gets so many points deducted for that one it’s not funny. How you gonna have handsoap and no way of drying your hands?!!?!?
Hand Washing
I know most of you may be aware of this, but for those of you who dont, A LOT OF MOTHERF*CKERS DO NOT WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER TAKING A PISS AND EVEN AFTER TAKING A SHIT! There have been toooooooo many times where I was sitting on the toilet and someone comes in the stall next to me, takes a dump, and leaves and I don’t hear faucet the first being turned on. This goes on at the job big time. This episode takes place all in the course of 5 minutes – from the taking of the shit to the exiting the bathroom…..dude, how clean is your ass?? I think to myself “….You nasty motherf*cker….” I always make it a point to take note of the shoes in the stall next to me so I know if he comes around and starts touching on shit in my cubicle I can spray it with lysol to kill the microscopic shit particles he’s probably leaving everywhere.
Parting Thoughts
Here’s a thought, why don’t they just have swinging doors for the bathroom with no handles at all?!?! keep a handle near the top or bottom it so that it can be locked, but as far as entry and exit, just let it swing freely!!!
What are your thoughts?
I feel you on that toilet tissue thing.
You are retarded, but this is so true. Have you been evaluated for OCD? Just wondering.
I was going to crack on you, but I can’t even. I’m so anal about hand washing that I sometimes refuse to hold hands in church when they say grab your neighbor’s hand. I especially hate shaking hands with men after having heard more than one espouse the needlessness of hand washing for men after a toilet trip because they’re only touching “just skin.” Nasty buzzards.
I’ve always had my TP rolled from the bottom. Never saw the difference.
I don’t like automatic toilets. As soon as I get up, it flushes without giving me the chance to look. I want to see what I left behind to ensure my diet at that moment is good. Then I want to push the handle.
There are signs inside the stall doors asking us to be kind to our coworkers and courtesy flush. How, when the daggoned toilet has a mind of its own?
HA!! Can’t believe you admitted to want to look to see what’s left behind profunk, lol! I like to as well as take a peak at the remains on the toilet paper. Gotta make sure all systems are go.
i, too, require that my TP roll from the top. it’s just more graceful that way.
here’s another rule of thumb from a fellow germophobe:
always, ALWAYS tear off the first several inches of toilet paper and discard it before you tear off some to use. if you think about how many times people tear off some, wipe, tear off some more, wipe again, you reeeaaally don’t want to use that first layer when your time comes.
my mommy taught me that as a little girl and i’ve never forgotten it.
Ok. First of all, everything you just said is so true. At my job are some of the nastiest women. How do you wash your hands first, use the toilet, then walk your ass out the bathroom? I look at the shoes too, b/c at the potluck, I want to know who’s food not to eat.
I have to agree with profunk about the automatic toilet. I absolutely HATE those things. If you move, it flushes and then you have to reline the inside of the toilet again to prevent splash back!