Galactic Donkey Ass

Hey all and Happy Monday! I appreciate the viewing, so keep coming back, and if you really wanna keep me pumped, subscribe to my blog and leave comments!

I know the title has you wondering the hell I’m gonna write about, and it’s just a tale from my younger days. It’s a little adult, and a little long, but bare with me. It goes a little something like this…

When I was 20 I was home for the summer in Georgia and was lifeguarding for the city at one of the public pools. That was the third year I had lifeguarded, the first two years were when I was 15 and 16. That by far was the best job I ever had. You don’t do sh*t. I mean really….you don’t….do….sh*t. Of course you may be thinking, “What about watching the kids to make sure they don’t drown??!?!” Oh yeah we did that, but 99.9% of all those hood kids could swim their asses off. I guess it’s because being in a warmer climate down south, kids have a lot more access to water, and swimming is just what they did, because their parents didn’t have anything constructive for them to do during the summer.

At the public pool in the hood there is aaaaaaaaaalways some sh*t going on. Fighting, shooting, selling drugs, buying and selling stolen goods, sex, you name it. There was never a dull moment.

Anyway as part of my responsibilities, I taught swim lessons after all the sessions were over to both adults and kids. I find adult swimming lessons to be virtually useless, because by the time a person is an adult, they have built up such a well developed fear of the water that they can’t be taught, and any progress is minimal at best. So if you’re reading this and you’re grown and don’t know how to swim, you’ll probably never learn, so make sure a life jacket is handy or stay in the shallow end with all the babies. At this one pool, we had adult lessons in the evenings. Enrollment trickled in during the first week, and then on a Thursday or Friday, this chick walked in that made me and my fellow lifeguards freeze in astonishment.

The girl that walked in had the biggest ass I had ever seen. Let me clarify that by saying it was the biggest I had ever seen with a waist that small. she was probably about 5′5″ and 180lbs. 40 of it had to be her butt. She had a jheri curl 2.0 and really small breasts.

Speaking of which, fellas, do you ever notice that women with SUPER big asses usually have really small boobs? And conversely, women with HUGE boobs, usually don’t have much butt at all? It’s like God was like “Well….. I got all this leftover meat….what to do….what to do….. Hmmmm, booty, boobs….booty, boobs….. I know! I’ll just flip a coin!”

Well for the girl that came in, we had to give her a nickname. One of my fellow lifeguards came up with Galactic Boonkey. for an explanation of the word “boonkey” see Greasy and Good. It was pretty nonsensical, but we couldn’t come up with anything better that could capture the magnitude of that butt.

Now some of you ladies may be thinking, “Now that’s just nasty!” Well, hey, what can I say! I’m a black man! It’s coded in my genes!

That butt was intimidating, and she was like 25 or 26, so I didn’t even really sweat her cause I figured she would want some older big swole John Henry nigga to wrangle all that ass. I just admired her from afar. But one day after lessons were over, she hollered at me! And aggressively at that! Like I said, I was 20, and then, I looked like a young T.O. (except for the face), so I would occasionally see her checking me out, but I would disregard it. I guess I underestimated my mackin ability!

So this was too good to be true! We talked on the phone and made plans for me to come by to pay her a visit. I knew what was gonna go down…

Did I mention that she had 3 kids and lived in the projects?

She had three little bad ass boys that were close in age. They looked like triplets, but I think two were twins and one was slightly younger. They had silver caps in their mouths probably because she was putting kool-aid in their bottles when they were babies. Yeah this chick was waaaay ghetto. And not only did she stay in the projects, but she stayed in the most fearsome projects in town!  Add to that the fact that when I got my haircut the day before, my barber told me hit it and she was crazy!!

Now being as young as I was, and basically in hound dog mode 24/7, common sense and the potential of adding a big ole booty like that to my list of conquests didn’t go together. I could hear that Ice Cube song in my head “Once upon a time in the projects” telling me not to go, but I went anyway. At the time I had a new Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer, and when I drove up to her place, I turned down my music and tried not to attract any attention to myself because I didn’t want my shit to be on blocks after I was done. But I figured with all the other dope boy cars that rode through the projects, my truck paled in comparison to theirs, as it had no rims or candy paint, so mine should be fine.

What went on in my 20 year old head about asses is this: The bigger the ass, the better the coochie. I think generally speaking, that’s what the psychological connection is when it comes to the boobs and butt and a man’s brain. The funny thing is, experience has taught me that a big butt or big boobs have ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING ON HOW GOOD THE COOCHIE IS. Sure, they’re good to look at and touch, but that’s where the thrill ends.

There was no more apparent than this episode. It was the most awful coochie mankind has ever known. I could get graphic to describe how bad it was, but I think it would be best compared to the mojave desert. Now I know a lot of women are probably saying “well maybe you didn’t have her turned on enough!” Believe me, that wasn’t it. Also, from what I know about women, every woman has a different capacity of how wet they can get, so one woman at her wettest won’t produce the same amount of juices as the next woman at her wettest. Galactic’s was virtually nonexistent.

During the episode in order to have at least a little enjoyment, I had to bunk her over and hit it from the back. (“bunk” is a Georgia word meaning the same as bend, and usually accompanied with “over”). Her butt looked like a boulder. I was having sensory overload! Also, I had to smack it, and not because I get off on the smacking, but more so because since I knew I probably wouldn’t revisit, it wouldn’t feel complete unless I smacked that big butt. Now for the guys, you know how you can smack a woman on her butt and the whole cheek or the whole butt shakes? Well, her butt was too big for that. I smacked it, and it only sent out shockwaves in a 5 inch radius from where my hand impacted. I smacked it harder of course, but didn’t improve my shockwave radius. I figure that if i wanted to make that whole butt jiggle, I’d have to smack it with a baseball bat or wooden paddle!

So I’m doing my thing and one of her bad ass kids busts open the door crying and screaming “MOMMYYYYYYYY! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!” I was like “Oh shit!” I was mortified! That’s not something any child should see, but she jumped up quick as lightening, yanked him up by the arm, slapped the shit out of his legs and put him back in his room, all while butt ass naked! Then she came back to the bedroom and got on all fours and expected me to finish!

At that point, I had to leave. The revelations that were made from that experience were that a big butt does not equal good coochie, and there IS too much of a good thing. But the good part about this story is that my truck was not on blocks and I was able to neutralize her crazy stalker behavior rather quickly when she tried to give me grief for not calling her anymore….sigh….

yeah it was like this WITHOUT butt shots