Good morning everyone. I got some pretty devastating news over the weekend. There has been a goal that I have been working on for some time now that I have yet to accomplish. At first it took my breath away, and then I literally got dizzy for a moment and hyperventilated briefly.
I know some if not all of you out there can relate. When you want something so bad, you’re made to believe if you want it bad enough and give an ample amount of effort, whatever you want will come to fruition. Well, so you apply the formula, and then what if it doesn’t happen? Then what? Well, that’s what I’m coming out of at this point, and I have decided to try again.
You know, the people who care about you and even those that don’t even know you well are quick to say “You can’t give up!” when they are on the outside looking in. I don’t fault any of them because their intentions are usually good, and they want to see you succeed. What I think most don’t consider is how much of a beating one’s spirit takes after being told over and over that you’ve failed. There is no way to really express the magnitude of the hit it takes other than saying……that the hit is substantial.
After enough times of failing, you begin to question your decisions and ask the question “Is this where God wants me to be, or is this failed attempt God trying to tell me that this is exactly where He doesn’t want me?”
I know most of you out there are saying “Well Cord, you should pray on it.” Ok, and that’s great advice….but give me some credit…you don’t think I haven’t prayed the prayer asking God to show me His purpose for me? Believe me, I have prayed for guidance numerous times. And then I think to myself “How did I get here?” and think back to all the major choices I’ve made in my life that brought me to where I am.
For the beginning of my adulthood I pretty much lived my life the way I had been conditioned to. It was safe, and predictable. All things considered, there was a life waiting on me that I could pretty much depend on if I followed the script. Something in me was attracted to the road less traveled. It’s not like I’m the first to do the things that I’ve done or the decisions I’ve made, but I have learned that there is a cost that comes with doing something different. I want so badly to be able to look back on it all and say it was worth it, but when you’re where I am emotionally, you can’t help but to reflect to when life was simple. I have voiced this feeling to my boy Grady numerous times. He and I had been through a lot navigating adulthood in the city and are kind of in similar states of mind where we yearn for days past when life was much easier. I say “Man, I would have been married and probably on kid #2 by now, just living life and enjoying being a family man.” His reply is always the same: “But you wouldn’t have been happy.” And he’s right, because in my mind, I have done so much since I decided to go off the beaten path. Not knowing all that I know now and not being able to experience at least half of it would have always had me wondering what could have been, and I have always vowed to never to spend the rest of my days with those kinds of thoughts. So in that respect, I am happy.
Going back to the “don’t be a quitter” mantra that everyone holds in such high esteem…. yeah, there is a certain value that people attach to that ideal, but I think there is a fine line between not being a quitter, and being a fool that is trying to force something that doesn’t fit or that wasn’t meant to be. For instance, I’m sliding into 33 soon, I’m 5′10″, my knees aren’t in the best shape, and I have ruptured tendons and ligaments over the years. What if I set the goal of trying to dunk a basketball, when the last time I was able to do that was 10th grade, when I was about 40 lbs lighter, a lot faster, and relatively stronger and whole in my lower body? You’d be more inclined to think that was the goal of a fool.
Anyway, I’m not saying what I’m up against is as formidable an obstacle as dunking a basketball, but after enough attempts, it sure seems like it. I just want to live my life and for everyone that is like “don’t quit! you can’t quit!” My thoughts are “But that’s where you’re wrong! I CAN quit!” and you know what? I will be fine, because this is my life and I have to be happy with myself. That “don’t be a quitter” stuff to a degree is so that everyone around you can say “That Corduroy isn’t a quitter. He has character.” MAN…F*CK THAT. I don’t give a sh!t about anyone’s valuation of my character in this respect. You know what I regret? I regret making my intentions or goals known to anyone other than my family, because then I wouldn’t have to hear everyone’s unsolicited advice on what I should do with my life.
Anyway, this was a total Monday buzzkiller I know, but writing is cathartic. I’ll be better in no time.
Comment if you feel like it. Oh, and not to be an asshole, but I’m not soliciting for advice.
No advice. If it counts for anything, I love you and you’re in my prayers.
Keep your head up!
Man, you can do whatever you put your mind to and maybe this sh!t really aint for you. I was always told to never quit and always work on your weaknesses but I don’t agree with either of those statements. Focus on your strengths and don’t stress over whatever perceived weaknesses that you may have. If you have a strength, make it even stronger and let the sh!t that you are weak in go. NO ONE can be a Super hero in everything and I know that there are some things that I will never achieve but I am secure in myself to be Ok with that. I know that you are not a quitter and a brilliant Dude but some stuff just needs to be compartmentalized and but on the shelf so that you can move on with your life.